More specifically, I need to make a bot/crawler/thing that can search predetermined RSS feeds every 12 hours, look into them for specified criteria, determine content that fits said criteria the closest, and then do some stuff with it.

1. How far in over my head am I? I don't know much better than a little PHP at present.
2. What programming language can/should I use?
3. Should it run directly on my server or on a local machine and then send the data to my server for use on a site?
4. I been drinking, sorry.
5. But I really do need answers if you have them.

if its predetermined sites its easier

you will need to set up a server cron job to initiate the php (or any other) script. so you'll need to know if you can set this up. alternatively have it run every time a page is accessed - whatever seems easiest.

other than that its not too tricky

if you want to crawl the entire web, that's harder

Thanks to both of you. I am now hung over, but ready to learn.