Jokes

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  • edited 2:21PM
    A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

    The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

    The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

    The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

    The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be! She has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

    Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man. I'm still a virgin!"

    The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.

    About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

    The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
  • edited 2:21PM
    heh... Red... got me. :D

    middi, i've actually been in the same place as a doc who did just that... got told how something must have happened... and said he was going outside to see if there were "puppydog tails falling from the sky".


    .........

    A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine.

    If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    "OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
  • edited 2:21PM
    blueshead said...An Obama yuppie Democratic Graphics designer got tired of the Big City and moved to the Bayou. After a week he was getting lonely and wondered if he had any neighbors. Just at this moment an old broke down pick up truck pulled up and out stepped blueshead..

    "Howdy neighbor, I'd like to invite you to a Party! There will be fighting,fucking and drinking.. but not necessarily in that order."

    The yuppie replied" That sounds great! Can I invite anyone?"

    Blueshead replied. "Nope.. jus gonna be you and me."
    ORSONISCRAZYANDMUSTBESTOPPED
  • edited December 2008
    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,”You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

    "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

    Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The man replied… [hide]…"These are Carols."[/hide]
  • Ve.Ve.
    edited 2:21PM
    tee-hee-hee
  • edited December 2008
    i can't tell you what glee i'll feel the next time my friend Darrel tells me he's going Carolling. :D
  • edited 2:21PM
    A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and
    puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

    The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

    The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.
    'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

    The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

    Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
    Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

    The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a
    note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

    'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

    Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
    returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

    The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

    'I like it!' says his seat mate.

    The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

    Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent,
    jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to sh*t all over the place.

    The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
    so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

    The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
  • edited 2:21PM
    It was Scotland v Wales international weekend in Edinburgh , and as the crowds made their way down
    Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged at an 8-year old Scottish lassie, with
    its jaws wide open ready to attack.

    The passing crowd gasped in horror, but, quick-as-a-flash, a man jumped from the crowd, grabbed
    the dog by the throat and throttled it.

    As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who
    had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline
    now:
    'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain
    Death''.
    The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong, mate. I'm not here for the rugby!'
    'Don't worry, said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now:
    'Welshman Saves Girl from Jaws Of Rottweiler''.
    The man replied, 'No, no, no, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Manchester '.
    The journalist said, 'Don't worry, I can see the
    headline now:
    !!!! Wait For IT !!!














    “English Bastard Strangles Family Pet''!
  • edited 2:21PM
    This Glesga Burd


    A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.
    How many children?' asks the civil servant.
    10' replies the girl.
    10???' says the civil servant. 'What are their names?'
    Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
    Doesn't that get confusing?'
    'Naw...' says the girl 'its great because if thur oot playin in
    The street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC,
    GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it...'
    What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed civil servant.
    ''at's easy,' says the girl...


    'Ah just use thur surnames'




    A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
    Garment on the counter.
    Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress.' She says.
    Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
    'Naw' she replies.
    'This time it's mayonnaise.'




    A Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
    The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
    She says 'Gies that rid yin'
    The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'




    A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
    Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
    Girl: 'OK'
    Medic: 'What's your name?'
    Girl: 'Morag.'
    Medic: 'Morag, is this your car?'
    Morag: 'Yes.'
    Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
    Morag: 'Springburn.'




    A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang.
    It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Listen Doll, I
    Just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!'
    It's no' jist wan motor!' said the girl,

    'There's fu***n' hunners o'them!'
  • edited 2:21PM
    your accent is really hard to understand, sinar. :p

    stealing “English Bastard Strangles Family Pet''! *nod*
  • edited 2:21PM
    A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

    A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

    There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

    "No, a straw," says the Tramp.

    The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

    To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
  • edited 2:21PM
    10 reasons why men are lazy:

    1)
  • edited 2:21PM
    I heard about a 90 year old man who married a 93 year old woman.

    I thought to myself,

    "That's not going to last."
  • edited 2:21PM
    Two Muslim women are walking down the road with tight fitting rucksacks, when one says to the other "does my bomb look big in this?"
  • edited 2:21PM
    sinar said...I heard about a 90 year old man who married a 93 year old woman.

    I thought to myself,

    "That's not going to last."
    why did I picture Jervais telling that joke... bloody funny though...
  • edited December 2008
    Neologisms

    The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    The winners are:

    1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

    3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
    alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    Here are this year's winners:

    1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
    The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

    8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

    9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

    12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.


    And the pick of the literature:

    [hide]16 . Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole[/hide]
  • edited December 2008
    i am going to attempt to adopt:

    Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. [this is sooooo true!]

    Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. [i'm often in this pit]

    Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. [i know several oysters]

    and the "hidden" bonus noun is the absolute pick of the literati.

    :)
  • edited 2:21PM
    Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,

    'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

    Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

    St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

    A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

    'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

    'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

    'Never,' said Ralph.

    'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

    Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

    Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

    'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'
  • edited 2:21PM
    Some days I hate my job, I call them weekdays!
  • edited 2:21PM
    flak.... oh my. i can't tell you how close to the reality of hospital work that joke comes.

    heh.. sinar.

    .....

    He checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so thought he’d get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab...............


    [[ I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I’m in my room and figure, what the heck, I’ll give her a call.

    “Hello?” the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

    “Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”

    She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.” ]]
  • edited 2:21PM
    A Vancouver man went to visit his old buddy (a dropout) in a secluded area of east Vancouver Island. After chatting all night John's mate made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his friend, "Are these plates clean?"

    The friend replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"

    For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

    The man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear any more about it!"

    Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his old friend's dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Dougie, your dog won't let me get to my car."

    Dougie shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"
  • edited 2:21PM
    Ha!! :D

    Oh yeah, I'm sure that joke I posted wouldn't be popular with the nurses...sounds too close to everyday life. I liked how abrupt the ending was, though, but mostly because I wasn't expecting it. ;)
  • edited 2:21PM
    The Perfect Husband
    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

    A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello."

    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes."

    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

    MAN: "How much?"

    WOMAN: "$90,000."

    MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

    Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
  • edited 2:21PM
    The Ring

    An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
    The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.
    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
    'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
    The old man seeing this said, 'We 'll take it.
    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
    Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
    There's no money in that account.
    I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!


    All Seniors Aren't Senile
  • edited 2:21PM
    A blonde gets a job as a teacher. (this in itself should ring alarm bells)


    She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

    She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

    'You ok?' she says.

    'Yes.' he says.

    'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

    'It's best I stay here.' he says.

    'Why?' says the blonde.
    >

    >

    >


    The boy says: 'Because I'm the f*cking goalie'
  • edited 2:21PM
    Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

    Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, Darling! Love, Jillian'

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

    Joe asks: Son... what happened last night?'

    'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

    'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

    His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off , you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!'

    Broken Coffee Table
    $239.99

    Hot Breakfast
    $4.20

    Two Aspirin
    $.38

    Saying the right thing, at the
    right time......priceless!!
  • edited 2:21PM
    Aw. :smile:
  • edited 2:21PM
    A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

    Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

    He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

    She replied: [hide]"Probably fishing with his mates."[/hide]
  • edited 2:21PM
    Alligator

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
    He puts the alligator up on the bar.
    He turns to the astonished patrons.

    "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmured their approval.
    The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his big unit and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

    The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
    After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head.

    The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

    The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

    The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

    A hush fell over the crowd.
    After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

    A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

    "I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
  • edited 2:21PM
    i love that joke. :)

    Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

    Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

    But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

    "Well," said the other brother ,[hide] "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."[/hide]
  • edited 2:21PM
    Two old friends, one 80 and one 87, were sitting and chatting in the park one morning.

    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

    The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.

    As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

    He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'

    She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'

    He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'

    She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves?? ...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'

    He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit except me.'
  • edited 2:21PM
    One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

    The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

    The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?
  • edited 2:21PM
    Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

    The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

    "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

    The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

    The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

    "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.

    The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

    "I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.

    Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

    The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

    The Yellow Lab said, [Hide]"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."[/Hide]
  • edited 2:21PM
    ^ now, that made me laugh!
  • edited 2:21PM
    :happy::happy::happy:
    Great joke Mick!

    vortexual
  • edited 2:21PM
    Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: “No!” and walks quickly away.

    The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

    The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

    So she goes over to Bob and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.

    Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear: [hide]“Can I pay in Canadian currency?”[/hide]
  • edited 2:21PM
    hahaha!! we are a nation jampacked with perverse. *NOD

    [hide]by "Canadian currency", i'm sure he meant Canada Tire money, too. :D [/hide]
  • edited 2:21PM
    Hmm...

    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
    does he become disoriented?

    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
    Holland called Holes?

    3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
    drives a racing car not called a racist?

    9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
    Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

    13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
    that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
    models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

    15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
    spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

    16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
    are we supposed to do, write to them?

    Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
    postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

    17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

    19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those
    little bottles of Evian water?

    Try spelling Evian backwards:

    20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
    section in a swimming pool?

    22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1
    enjoys it?


    23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
    you send it by sea it is called cargo?

    24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
    days a year, why are there locks on the door?
  • edited 2:21PM
    heh! some of those are very good.

    "Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?"
    .... this has troubled me off and on for years.

    "Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
    .... this is called the kiddie pool. :D
  • edited 2:21PM
    A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing.


    He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'


    The man looks around and doesn't See anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

    He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

    Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

    He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

    'What do you think frog?' The man asks. 'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

    The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas.



    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?' The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

    Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

    Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man Figures what the heck.

    Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.


    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

    He sits the frog down and Says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.' The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'

    He figures why not, Since after all the frog did for Him, He deserves it.





















































    With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. 'And that,

    your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
    So help me God Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'
  • edited 2:21PM
    illustrated, yet. i'm impressed.

    ...............

    A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
    "Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."
    A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
    "Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."
    He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."
    They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
    "Oh, well that's different...." she says. [hide]"Send her in!"[/hide]
  • edited 2:21PM
    LOL, chris got an email forward from 1998. :D
  • ok maybe not exactly a joke but…

    Body Stats

    - on average it takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach
    - a human hair can lift up to 3kg
    - the length of a mans penis is equal to 3 times the length of his thumb
    - the thigh bone has the same hardness as cement
    - a womans heart beats faster that a mans
    - women blink more often than men
    - we use 300 muscles to hold our balance when standing


    - women have already finished reading this text
    - men are still looking at their thumbs
  • edited 2:21PM
    flak said...LOL, chris got an email forward from 1998. :D
    i did - you should have seen all the previous forwarding address lists in there, i had to scroll for 2 days before getting to the joke.
  • edited 2:21PM
    A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet:

    Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee about me cat."

    Vet: "Is it a tom?"

    Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me."
  • edited 2:21PM
    Red, why do i totally believe that? :)

    nicko, i'm sure i've a Newfie joke somewhere, just to reward you. :D
  • edited March 2009
    Two First Nations people ("Indians") and a Newfoundlander were walking in the woods, when all of a sudden one of the native Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he hailed into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Newfoundlander was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

    “No,” said the Indian. “It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”

    Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was an answering “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Newfoundlander wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine woman in this cave! He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

    The following day, the headline of newspaper read…..[Hide]Naked Newfie Run Over by Freight Train[/Hide]
  • edited 2:21PM
    lol
  • it's been a while since i heard a good newfie joke, thanks.
  • edited 2:21PM
    another then? (i've told this before, i'm sure)




    Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem.”

    The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

    “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere,” says Gerry,

    “Put dem in a peeper bag.”

    The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

    They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

    “Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

    Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ‘SPLAT’.

    As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,

    “Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin’ is too fockin’ dangerous for me.”

    A minute later, Seamus arrives.

    He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

    “Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,” Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a
    ‘SPLAT’!, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.

    Paddy shakes his head and says, “An’ oim never troyin’ dat parrotshooting nider.”

    A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the
    familiar ‘peeper bag’. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

    Once more Paddy shakes his head - “Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin’ hen gliding..”
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