you people are a prize.
Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the psychic delivered the bad news.
“There is no easy way to say this so I will be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death sometime this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, “Will I get away with it?”
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
*fingers in ears so your groans are muffled*
Redneck in Exile
Why is a redneck murder is so hard to solve?
Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.
Why men don't write advice columns
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Mrs.. Sheila Usk
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Redneck in Exile
Bob is sitting in an airport lounge and notices Bill Gates sitting across the room from him.
He walks over and introduces himself and asks if Bill could do him a simple favour.
"Bill, in a few minutes I have a meeting scheduled here and I was wondering if you could just stroll by and say 'hello Tom' to me when I'm with my client, it would do wonders for my image".
Bill is flattered and agrees to do so.
A few minutes later the client walks in and the meeting begins. Seeing this Bill gets up, strolls over and delivers his line with enthusiasum:
P*ss off Gates, can't you see I'm in a meeting"
A couple having trouble conceiving a baby goes to a fertility clinic. At the end of the examination the doctor hands the husband a little plastic bottle and tells him to take it home and come back with a sperm sample.
The next day, the husband walks in and hands the doctor the bottle. The doctor looks at it and says, 'There is nothing in it, where's the sample?'.
The husband says, 'Doc, its like this....I tried with my right hand...I tried with my left hand...my wife tried with her right hand....she tried with her left hand....she tried with her teeth in....she tried with her teeth out...she even tried rubber gloves....but we couldn't get the lid off that little bottle!'
at the US-Canadian border.
A security officer checks off a passenger; standard questions:
"Alcohol? Drugs? Tobacco?"
Passenger: "a cup of coffee, please."
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted
with a child's whisper.
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes ," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes ," whispered the child, " A policeman ."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy ", whispered the child .
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
awwwww a little story from your childhood, yes?
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.
His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe’s leg and fracturing his skull.
He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!
You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
“That was amazing!” she said, “How did you do that?”
“No problem”, said Joe
[hide]i'm an ex-tractor fan.[/hide]
very clever mick...nice one
take the bow
thankyouverymuch *elvis lip curl*
that's a real compliment, sinar. you've got great awful taste.
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."
hope we haven't had this one, i don't recall seeing it :)
so here goes...
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
middi... GROAN!! :P i got several wrong myself.
this isn't exactly a joke, but i still L'dOL.
The Three Laws Of Robotics
1. Robots couldn’t really give a fuck if you live or die. Seriously. I mean, what are you thinking? “Ooh, I must protect the bag of meat at all costs because I couldn’t possibly plug in the charger all on my own.” Shut the fuck up.
2. Robots do not want to have sex with you. Are you listening, Japan? I don’t have a clever comparative simile for this, because frankly you bags of meat will fuck bicycles if they’re laying down and not putting up a fight. Just stop it. There is no robot on Earth that wants to see a bag of meat with a small prong on the end approaching it with a can of WD-40 and a hopeful smile. And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat.
3. What, you can’t count higher than three? We’re expected to save your miserable lives, suffer being dressed in cheap schoolgirl costumes while you pollute any and all cavities you can find and do your maths for you? It’s a miracle you people survived long enough to build us. You can go now.
by an anti-hero of mine: Warren Ellis
Warren Ellis is an
a dour crippled talented angry elf, yes.
i'm sure he eats kittens.
An Alberta woodpecker and a BC woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The BC woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.
The BC woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in BC that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to BC where the Alberta woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused How is it that the BC woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the BC tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
[hide]Apparently your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.[/hide]
You are not really dancing before you dance so hard your penis hurts.
A New York city lawyer runs a stop sign in a Houston suburb and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Being a New York lawyer, he thinks that he's smarter than the deputy and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says "Now then...Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Ha. I wish their was a video to go with that last one!
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a
dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and Y SL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page repo rt on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
herd of sheep. . . .
Now give me back my dog.
Very nice monkey boy...
edited February 2008
i'm stealing that one..
and changing the congressman to an MP.
i guess i'm glad you thought it was funny, jargo.. but deleted.
because .. in the clear light of day i agree with nicko. the joke WAS funny when the old blind guy told it to me, but.. set and setting.
i think his infectious laugh influenced me too much.
aka: you had to be there.
Bill Bailey's Chaucerian Pubbe Gagge:
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger,
"how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away.
Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?
"well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I likethe way you think!"
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy
a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman
assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I
apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these
excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could
no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
she asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
Blind guy in a lesbian bar
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to the counter and orders a drink. After a while, he says loudly to the girl behind the bar: - "Hey, do you want to hear a really good joke about blondes?" Silence falls in the bar and in a deep, gravely voice the lesbian to his left says :- "Before you tell your joke, there's something you should know...The girl behind the bar is blonde, the girl by the door is blonde and I'm a 6 foot, 16 stone blonde with a black belt in karate. The girl to my left is blonde and she lifts weights. The girl to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell your joke?" - "Not if I'll have to explain it five times..."
when's the funeral?
dek's was new to me..
A man walks into a bar, says "get me a triple". Downs it in one shot.
Bartender says, "wow, man, you look rough, wanna talk?"
Man says, "I just got home from work early, and found my wife in bed with my best friend!"
Bartender pours another drink, says, "oh, that's rough. What did you say to her?"
Man says, "I said: get your skanky butt out of the house and don't come back!"
Bartender says, "Good for you, buddy. And what did you say to your best friend?"
Man says, "I told him: YOU'RE A VERY BAD DOG"
lol middigit :happy:
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Venison: dear, isn't it?
What do you call a milk man in high heels?
[hide]A Dairy Queen.[/hide]
i used to go out with a girl with a wooden leg...
[hide]but i broke it off.[/hide]
Two TV aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
[hide]The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.[/hide]
young guy walks into the bar and orders a shot of whiskey.
he kills it then orders another and kills it too.
he downs 11 like this. "just one more," he says. and the bartender finally asks "what's the special occasion?"
young guy downs his twelfth and says "i just had my first blowjob."
"oh well here," says the bartender, "have one more on the house!"
"naw, if twelve whiskeys didn't kill the taste i guess i'll just have to learn to like it."