Jokes

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  • edited 1:50PM
    3 Irish men in a pub. Paddy says "my locals better than this, buy 2 drinks and the 3rd is free." Mick says "well in my local you buy 1 drink and the 2nd is free."
    Murphy says "thats nothing! In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and the 7th is free. Then you go out the back and get a shag. "WOW!" says the others
    "but has that ever happened to you?" "No" says Murphy, but it happened to my sister.

    :happy:
  • edited 1:50PM
    How many SEO copywriters does it take to change a lightbulb, light bulb, bulb, lamp, light, eco-bulb, bulbs, fluorescent tubes?
  • edited 1:50PM
    ^ LMFAO!!!

    ~copy, paste, email~ :D
  • edited November 2010
    Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a
    lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in
    agony, he falls to the ground.

    As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said
    'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my
    fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

    The doctor told him, 'Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint
    to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
    leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors
    and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
    together...quite an impressive work of art.

    Olof mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their
    honeymoon to Duluth .

    That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her
    beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olof...you' re the first
    vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'

    Olof immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena
    ..still in DA CRATE!
  • edited February 2011
    Did you hear about the man with five dicks?


    [hide]
    His condoms fit like a glove
    :smile:








    It was stuart saying he had 4 seven inches that reminded me of that!!
    [/hide]
  • edited 1:50PM
    An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australain, an American, a Canadian, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

    [hide]The barman says "I can't let you in without a Thai."[/hide]
  • edited 1:50PM
    Overheard in my office just now:

    Colleague 1: I made a Viagra website once

    Colleague 2: Is it still up?

    :happy:
  • edited 1:50PM
    haha :D
  • edited 1:50PM
    nicko said...An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australain, an American, a Canadian, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

    [hide]The barman says "I can't let you in without a Thai."[/hide]
    LFAO
  • edited 1:50PM
    Black Window said...3 Irish men in a pub. Paddy says "my locals better than this, buy 2 drinks and the 3rd is free." Mick says "well in my local you buy 1 drink and the 2nd is free."
    Murphy says "thats nothing! In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and the 7th is free. Then you go out the back and get a shag. "WOW!" says the others
    "but has that ever happened to you?" "No" says Murphy, but it happened to my sister.

    :happy:
    belated lol
  • edited 1:50PM
    A man goes to the doctors and says "doc I think I’m going a little deaf"

    "Right", says the doctor," before I examine you, can you describe the symptoms?"

    Puzzled, the man says, "Well Homer is fat, yellow, and bald, and Marge has blue hair and a pearl necklace".
  • edited 1:50PM
    oh my

    you people have been on a roll!

    too many haha's make me bounce my chair!
  • edited 1:50PM
    A poor but desperate man goes to a brothel and asks for the cheapest prostitute. The madam says she has one girl for
    him who is really shy, likes the light off and wont cry.He accepts and starts having sex with her. As he finishes he sees
    her foaming at the mouth. He runs down and tells the madam who picks up the phones and says "Marvin the dead one's full again!"
  • edited 1:50PM
    I'm going to have flashbacks of this moment.
  • edited 1:50PM
    Black Window said...A poor but desperate man goes to a brothel and asks for the cheapest prostitute. The madam says she has one girl for
    him who is really shy, likes the light off and wont cry.He accepts and starts having sex with her. As he finishes he sees
    her foaming at the mouth. He runs down and tells the madam who picks up the phones and says "Marvin the dead one's full again!"
    LOL
  • edited 1:50PM
    A lady tells her priest that she just got a parrot and doesn't know who had it before her, but all it says is "Hi good looking, Want to party?"

    The priest says, my parrot doesn't speak; he just plays with his rosary beads and bows its head in silent prayer. Perhaps if they spent some time together he would be a good influence on yours.

    So they put them in the cage together. Immediately, the female parrot says, Hi good looking, Want to Party?"

    The male parrot raises his head and says, "Prayer works."
  • edited 1:50PM
    Black Window said...A poor but desperate man goes to a brothel and asks for the cheapest prostitute. The madam says she has one girl for
    him who is really shy, likes the light off and wont cry.He accepts and starts having sex with her. As he finishes he sees
    her foaming at the mouth. He runs down and tells the madam who picks up the phones and says "Marvin the dead one's full again!"
    totally a keeper. :)


    .......................


    -M R Ducks
    -M R Not Ducks
    -O S A R ! C M E D B D Eyes?
    -L I B ! M R Ducks!

    bonus: [hide]- C M puppies?
    - M R not puppies!
    - S M R! C M P N?
    - L I B! M R puppies![/Hide]
  • edited March 2011
    A TCP packet walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer." The bartender replies, "You want a beer?" The TCP packet replies, "Yes, I'd like a beer."

    ...............................

    An SQL query walks up to two tables and asks, "May I join you?"

    ...............................

    Bit Torrent packet goes to a bar and asks for beer. Everyone in the bar who have beer gives him a sip.

    ...............................
  • edited 1:50PM
    Especially with you in mind Mick :wink:

    When King Arthur was away looking for the Holy Grail he made Guinevere wear a chastity belt fitted with a small guillotine to stop
    anyone interfering with her. When he returned he asked all his knights to drop their trousers. The only one left with their cock still intact
    was Lancelot. "Lancelot, my faithful friend "the king said "you alone can I trust! What should we do with these traitors?...
    Come man speak up...speak up man...what's wrong have you lost your tongue?" :happy:
  • edited 1:50PM
    lol
  • haaaaaa
  • edited 1:50PM
    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

    She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

    When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

    Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
  • edited 1:50PM
    good one, BW

    and that, too, urban.

    laughing is my favorite thing to do today. <3


    ..............


    A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

    While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

    "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

    The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

    For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

    When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

    "What do you mean?" he asks.

    "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

    "HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!"

    "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

    "Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

    "No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

    "No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

    "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

    The boy takes a good long look and replies, [hide]"Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"[/hide]
  • edited 1:50PM
    ./.....?
  • edited 1:50PM
    :) i don't understand. ^
  • edited May 2011
    So, there’s two old Irish guys out on a lake, fishing. Suddenly, one of them hooks something heavy and starts reeling it in. The other guy begins cheering him on, as his fishing pole is bending closer and closer to the surface of the water. It’s tough going for a minute or two. But with one last grunt of effort, he finally pulls his quarry into the boat, and they’re stunned. It’s not a fish at all, but a tangled mass of weeds instead.

    They’re silent for a few moments, then the guy that reeled it in notices a glint of metal coming from within the mess and starts stripping away the soggy greenery. To both of their surprise, he uncovers an old fashioned, metal lamp. So, he picks it up and starts rubbing it off—hoping to get a better look at it. When Poof! A genie appears.

    The two old Irish guys are now completely dumbstruck. The genie crosses his arms across his massive chest, and focuses his gaze on the man that reeled him in. “Thank you, master. For setting me free, I shall grant you one wish,” he says, and then assumes an air of servitude.

    The guy that reeled him in thinks for a minute, and then begins to smile. “Well, Mr. Genie, for me wish, I’d like ye ta turn all tha waters of this lake inta beer.” And Poof! The entire lake has been turned into cold, refreshing, beautiful, tasty beer. The other Irishman glares at him for a few moments, and then Pow! He slugs him right in the mouth.

    The first Irishman is like, “Now, what tha hell was that for?”

    [hide]The second Irishman curses him. “Ye bastard! Now we ave ta pee in tha boat!”[/hide]
  • edited 1:50PM
    LOl to the three above

    Guaranteed to tickle peeps in UK:
    Make sure you get the right insurance, for the sex you are having'
    Please find a list of companies below, catering for most tastes.

    Sex with your wife :-
    Legal and General.

    Sex on the telephone :-
    Direct Line.

    Sex with your partner :-
    Standard Life.

    Sex with someone different :-
    Go compare.

    Sex with a fat bird :-
    More Than.

    Sex in the back of a car :-
    Sheila's Wheels.

    Sex with a posh bird :-
    Privileged.

    Sex with a transvestite :-
    Confused.com
  • edited 1:50PM
    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

    Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

    The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

    The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

    The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

    She said, 'Aye - Ye will be when the tide comes in.'
  • edited 1:50PM
    LOL ^
  • edited 1:50PM
    Nice Chris!
  • edited 1:50PM
    A woman in labour is screaming at her husband. He says "hey don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass, but Nnnooooooooww you thought "THAT MIGHT HURT!!!" :happy:
  • edited 1:50PM
    An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

    They each bought a pint of Guinness.

    Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

    The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

    The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

    The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!
  • edited 1:50PM
    blueshead said...An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

    They each bought a pint of Guinness.

    Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

    The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

    The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

    The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!

    :happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy:
  • edited 1:50PM
    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. 00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language ..
    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
  • edited 1:50PM
    genuine lol
  • edited 1:50PM
    A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!. So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable bastard, I'll pay you back monthly!" And the moral of this story is: Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there's always a fucking string attached!.
  • ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

    An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test..

    'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

    'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

    'What's this?' the boss asks.

    'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

    'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

    The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

    The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

    'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

    The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go.

    One hundred.'

    The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'





    The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
  • q: what do you call an alligator in a vest?

    a: an investigator.
  • edited March 2012
    groan :)
  • q: what do you call an alligator in a vest?

    a: an investigator.
    groan :)
    :D
  • edited June 2012


    Q: How does a wizard pleasure a lady?




    A: Elixir
  • edited June 2012
    groan :)
    :D
    (that's what she said :!: )
  • Some of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

    1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

    2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

    3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

    4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew."

    5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

    6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

    7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

    8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

    9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

    10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

    11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

    12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

    13. "The Batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey" - Brian Johnston stating the bowler Michael Hodling and the batsman Peter Willey in a test cricket match

    14. "Well, Botham just couldn't get his leg over there" - Brian Johnston when Ian Botham stood on his wicket after trying to step over them facing a fast bouncer.
  • I was working in my local supermarket stacking washing powder when the girl I'd met the night before came in and saw me!

    She said, "You Liar you told me you work as a stunt pilot!"

    I said "No, I told you I work with the Aerial display team"
  • *tumbleweed*
  • Well I really liked your Aerial joke nick but the tumbleweed one didn't blow me away!

  • really? it had me rolling around the floor...
  • edited February 2013
    The Blind Carpenters Miracle..

    "He picked up his hammer and saw"
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