Jokes

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  • edited 3:56PM
    “Two radical Arab's boarded a flight out of London for Sydney.

    One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
    Just before take off a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

    After take off, the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
    settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and
    get a coke.'
    'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

    As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat
    in it. When the rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That
    looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

    Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other
    Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

    When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
    As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes
    and knew immediately what had happened.

    He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours,

    "Why does it have to be this way?

    How long must this go on?

    This fighting between our nations?

    This hatred?

    This animosity?

    This spitting in shoes.............................................................................................and pissing in cokes?"
  • edited 3:56PM
    Thibodueax came back from a 28 day hitch offshore. He had made him a big check. So Thibodeaux decided to go to Gulotta's in New Iberia and buy himself a brand new pair of patent leather boots. After buying the boots, Thibodeaux decided to go dancing at La Poussierre in Breaux Bridge to break in his new boots. At the dance Thibodeax asked Marie if she want to waltz. She said, "Mais yea, Thibodeaux." In the middle of dancing, Thibodeaux asked Marie, "You got some blue panties on?" Marie replied, "Yea, how you know dat?" Thibodeaux said, "Because I could see the reflection in my brand new patent leather boots." Thibodeaux then asked Claudette if she wanted to dance. She agreed. In the middle of dancing Thibodeaux asked, "You got some red panties on?" Claudette said, "Yea, how you know dat?" Thibodeaux said, "Because I could see the relection in my brand new pair of patent leather boots." Thibodeaux then asked Clotile if she wanted to dance. She agreed. In the middle of dancing Thibodeaux asked, "Clotile, you not wearing any panties, huh?" Clotile said, "Mais non, Thibodeaux." Thibodeaux caught his breath and said in relief, "Thank God, I thought I had a crack in my brand new pair of patent leather boots."
  • edited 3:56PM
    TEQUILA
    (not sure if it has been posted...)

    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
    "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
    The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
    "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now.., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
  • edited 3:56PM
    THE NURSE

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation. A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet.
    "Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask,"are my testicles black?"
    Embarrassed,the young nurse replies,"I don't know,I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
    He struggles again to ask,"Nurse,are my testicles black?"
    Finally,she pulls back the covers,raises his gown,holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand and takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them!"
    The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly,"That was really nice but listen very,very closely...
    "Are...my...test...results...Back?"
  • edited 3:56PM
    Q and As

    Q: What is 6.9?
    A: A 69 interrupted by a period

    Q: Whats the similarity between programming and sex?
    A: One mistake and you are supporting it for life
  • edited 3:56PM
    Q: Whats the similarity between programming and sex?
    A: One mistake and you are supporting it for life
    i like that one. :)




    and.. i love the Thibodeux story. it's not all THAT funny, but it paints a picture that makes me smile.

    ...........


    After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
    “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age,” the neighbor said.
    “Sexuality my ass!” The mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

    .....


    Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip – shopping, casinos, massages, facials…
         


    Two days before the group is to leave, Mary’s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn’t going. Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do?
            
    Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

    “Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?”
         


    “Well, I’ve been here since last night…………. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who’?”  I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over………… On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, “Now, you can do whatever you want..”
        

     
“So here I am.”
  • edited 3:56PM
    A man is walking down the street with a penguin. A cop sees them and says "Hey buddy, what are you doing with that penguin? Take him to the zoo!" the man replies "Alright".
    The next day, the cop sees the same guy with a penguin walking down the street. The cop says "Hey buddy! I though I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" Guy replies "I did, today I'm taking him to the movies!"
  • edited 3:56PM
    An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
    Comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
    He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
    preacher.
    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
    Alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
    'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
    The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oil am.'
    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
    He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
    The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
    The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
    for a little longer.
    He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
    Jesus me brother?'
    The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
    By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
    The water again ---
    But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
    Kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
    The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you
    found Jesus?'
    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
    Preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
  • edited 3:56PM
    :D




    .........


    Q: How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan???
    A: [hide]Take away it's little broom[/hide]

    ...........


    A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them.

    She asked John what he had done over the weekend.

    “I went to visit my Nana." ”
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!”

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

    “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
 She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”

    She then asked little Alex what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied.
 "That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

    Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SHIT” 
  • ^haaa, both great, but the first one is in a class of it's own! will chortle several times today as i recall it.

    typography joke
  • edited March 2010
    GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
    He slams the door and returns to bed.
    "Who was that?" asked his wife."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
    "Did you help him?" she asks.
    "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys that helped us out a while back?I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
    "Yes," comes back the answer.
    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
    "Where are you?" asks the husband.
    "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
  • edited 3:56PM
    The first man married a woman from Mexico.

    He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


    The second man married a woman from Sweden (hi mikey!).

    He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


    The third man married a woman from the Italy.


    He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, the cooking and bring him beer in her birthday suit. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, there was a huge dinner on the table and she served a beer in her birthday suit.



    The fourth man married a girl from Canada.


    He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, [hide]some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
    He still has some difficulty when he pees.[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    LETTER TO JESSE JAMES

    You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
    How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
    She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
    Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."
    You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porking away.
    You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated a**hole cheater on the planet!
    How can you live with yourself!
    I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of sh*t that you are:
    Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

    ~Tiger
  • edited April 2010
    A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

    The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

    The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

    The statistician yells "We got him!"




    .............


    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

    Wonder no more ! ! !


    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.



    The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.



    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird o be rolled into and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



    "Freeze a jolly good fellow"

    "Freeze a jolly good fellow
    ."



    Then they kick him in the ice hole.
  • edited 3:56PM
    my mate's shagging a pair of twins. i said how do you tell them apart? he said it's easy, [hide]julie has long blonde hair and derek has a moustache[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    lulz
  • edited 3:56PM
    :) i saved that one.

    ..........

     A public school teacher from the USA was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
       
    At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
      
    “Al-Gebra is a problem for us”, the Attorney General said. 

    “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.  They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”

    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.”
       
    When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.

    ............. ok, yes, math geek humour. :p
  • edited 3:56PM
    This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

    "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"

    He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.

    "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
    "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
    "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer.

    As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

    The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?"

    "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

    The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

    Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

    He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

    "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

    "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"
  • edited 3:56PM
    A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma herself. The young girl was frantic.

    Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

    "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

    Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
  • edited 3:56PM
    heee!

    i know just the little old lady that is going to hear that one today. :D

    .............


    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery.

    As I was not familiar with the area; I got lost, and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

    There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

    Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, [hide]"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    Is it too soon to make jokes about the Icelandic volcano? … has the dust settled?

    [hide]:awkward:[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    o!

    i nearly erupted with laughter..... [hide]my face is ashen from trying not to blow my top![/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

    The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

    Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

    The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
  • edited 3:56PM
    yike! :)


    ............


    Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

    Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

    Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

    “Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”
  • edited 3:56PM
    A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.

    On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

    Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She has also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again.

    She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, “My God, you saved my life!”

    He suddenly realizes the woman is Heidi Klum! Days and weeks go by. Heidi and our guy are living on the island together. They have set up a hut, there is fruit on the trees, and they are in heaven. Heidi has fallen madly in love with our man, and they are making passionate love morning, noon and night.

    Alas, one day she notices he is looking kind of glum.

    “What is the matter, sweetheart?” she asks, “We have a wonderful life together, I am in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?”

    He says, “Actually, Heidi, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?”

    “Sure,” she says, “if it will help.”

    He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

    “Now would you put on my pants?” he asks.

    “Sure, honey, if it is really going to make you feel better,” she says.

    “Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?” he asks.

    “Whatever you want, sweetie,” she says, and does.

    Then he says, “Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?”

    She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

    He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, [Hide]”Dude! You will never believe who I am sleeping with!”[/Hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    LMFAO!!! thanks mick! :D
  • edited June 2010
    Redneck Logic,

    Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

    The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

    "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

    The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

    "I sure do."

    "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

    "That's real good!" said the redneck.

    The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

    Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

    "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

    "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

    The redneck was catching on.

    "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

    "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

    The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

    "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

    "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

    "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

    "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

    "No," his friend replied.

    [hide]"You're queer, ain't ya?"[/hide]
  • edited June 2010
    hahahaha!


    .............


    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and  paperwork, and was burned out.

    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He  went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended  diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared  carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of  150%.

    Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to  appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is  an error in the grade?”

    “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,  which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together  again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

    After a pause, the  instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through  the muffler."
  • edited 3:56PM
    from a friend of mine...

    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    [hide]Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    o! chris.. that is crass!

    :p


    A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping:


    "Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy a dozen."

    "OK, hun."


    Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 12 loaves of bread.

    His wife is flabbergasted:


    "Dear, why on earth did you buy a dozen loaves of bread?"

    [hide]"They had eggs."[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. 

    The waitress asks them for their orders. 

    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 
    'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. 

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. 

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' 
    The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' 

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
    ' Same for me,' says the emu. 

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 

    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 

    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. 
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' 


    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say :happy:
  • edited 3:56PM
    ~ba dum tish!~ :D
  • edited July 2010
    so, not really a joke, but an honest to goodness true anecdote.

    a swedish friend of mine was going to london to a business meeting with a person he had not met before. Wanting to be clever and use some of his quaint schoolboy english he was going to write a mail that said:

    …great, i'll see you at the station, i'll be the guy with the pink carnation in my buttonhole!

    instead he wrote:

    …great, i'll see you at the station, i'll be the guy with the pink carnation in my butthole!
  • edited 3:56PM
    heh... would that be considered "Engvish"?

    ................................


    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large cowboy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,

    “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

    The cowboy smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
  • edited 3:56PM
    To Cheer up the England fans Fabio has arranged a friendly against Iceland .. If we win we go on to play Asda and Tesco
  • edited 3:56PM
    Tesco wins...
  • edited 3:56PM
    A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

    After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

    But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

    The only survivor was Paris Hilton. That evening, the man brought Paris to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -- red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Paris and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

    Paris batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

    He said, [hide] "Take the dog for a walk." [/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    this one's better than the one i just tried to make in another thread. ;)

    ..........

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

    “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
 A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. [hide]“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    Ha!
    The old misunderstood word joke. It reminds me of this oldie which still gives me a smile:

    A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
    monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are
    copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

    So the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points
    out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
    continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from
    the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son."

    So the old monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check
    it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. Soon one of the
    monks goes down in the cellar to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from
    the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the
    original books crying. He asks the old monk "what's wrong"?, and in a
    choked voice came the reply...... "The word is celebrate."
  • edited 3:56PM
    hee! *keeps that one*

    ...................


    A biologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are sitting at a cafe.

    Across the street, a man and a woman enter a building; ten minutes later, they emerge with a child.

    “They’ve reproduced,” says the biologist.

    “No,” says the statistician. “It’s an observational error. On average, 2.5 people went each way.”

    “You’re both wrong,” says the mathematician. “The conclusion is obvious. If someone goes in now, the building will be empty.”
  • edited 3:56PM
    How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
    [hide]juan.[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics.

    [hide]Two birds, one stone.[/hide]

    (it's difficult making these one liners into two lines :D
  • edited 3:56PM
  • edited August 2010
    Hard to pick a winner here...
     
    BRAINS OF BRITAIN
      
     
     
    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
    Jeremy Paxman:
    What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
    Contestant: Homosexuals.
    Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
     

    BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
    Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
    Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
    Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
    Contestant: Leicester

     

    BBC NORFOLK
    Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
    Contestant: Arm
    Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
    Contestant: Strong.
    Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
    Contestant: Louis
    Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
    Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

     
    LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
    Alex Trelinski:
    What is the capital of Italy ?
    Contestant: France.
    Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
    Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
    Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
    Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
    Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
    Contestant: Paris.
     
    THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
    Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
    Contestant: The Conservative Party.
     
    BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
    DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
    Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
     
    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
    Bamber Gascoyne:
    What was Gandhi's first name?
    Contestant: Goosey?
     
    GWR FM ( Bristol )
    Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
    Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. 
      
     
    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)
    Phil: What's 11 squared?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
    Contestant: Is it five?

     
    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
    Contestant: Forrest Gump.
     
    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
    Contestant: Er. ... ..
    Richard: He makes bread . . .
    Contestant: Er .. .....
    Richard: He makes cakes . . .
    Contestant: Kipling Street?
     
    LINCS FM PHONE-IN
    Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
    Contestant: Barcelona.
    Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
    Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
     
    NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
    Question: What is the world's largest continent?
    Contestant: The Pacific.
     
    ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
    Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
    Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
     
    THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
    Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
    Contestant: Magna Carta?
     
    JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
    James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
    Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
     

    CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
    Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
    Caller: Japan.
    Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
    Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?
     
    PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
    Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
    Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.
     
    DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
    Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
    Contestant: Holland?
    Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
    Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
    Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
    Contestant: No.
     
    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
    Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
    Contestant: Er... .... ..
    Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
    Contestant: Blimey?
    Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
    Contestant:
    (Silence)
    Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
    Contestant: Walked?
     
    THE VAULT
    Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
    Contestant: Nostalgia.
     
    LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
    Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
    Contestant: Jewish.
    Presenter: That's close enough. 
     
     STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
    Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
    Contestant: Jesus.

    :happy::happy::happy:
  • edited 3:56PM
    :happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy::happy:
  • edited 3:56PM
    Ha ha, thanks for those Black Window :happy:
  • edited 3:56PM
    In an interview tonight Coleen Rooney says "my marriage is Shrecked'
  • edited 3:56PM
    Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

    “Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

    “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”

    And they did.

    “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing.”

    And they did.

    “Now we eat everybody.”

    And they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?

    His wise father replied: [hide] “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    Q: What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

    [hide]A: A Kagaroo is a marsupial and a Kangaroot is a Geordie stuck in a lift.[/hide]
  • edited 3:56PM
    nicko said...Q: What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

    [hide]A: A Kagaroo is a marsupial and a Kangaroot is a Geordie stuck in a lift.[/hide]
    :happy: Groan
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