Jokes

1911131415

Comments

  • edited October 2009
    What do you call an italian that can talk to the dead?
    [hide]Luigi board[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    Did you hear about Coolio choking on a pasty?
    [hide]He went to Ginsters paradise.[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    lol
  • edited 3:12PM
    Three men in a boat have some cigarettes but no matches. How do they light their cigarettes?

    [hide]They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter.[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    chris said...What do you call an italian that can talk to the dead?
    [hide]Luigi board[/hide]
    nicko said...Three men in a boat have some cigarettes but no matches. How do they light their cigarettes?

    [hide]They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter.[/hide]
    i got those!

    and.. i like one of them!
    :D
  • edited 3:12PM
    Why did the ghost cross the road?
    [hide]To get to "the other side."[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    Why did the chicken cross the playground?

    [hide]To get to the other slide[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    why did the chicken cross the crack den?

    [hide]he was stapled to the punk[/hide]
  • edited October 2009
    Werner Heisenberg, why did the chicken cross the road?

    [hide]We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was
    on, but it was moving very fast.[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

    The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

    The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

    The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

    The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

    The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

    The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

    The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

    The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
  • edited October 2009
    A Contractor in Heaven

    A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

    Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

    "Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor

    "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

    "But that's not true," says the contractor. "I only lived to be forty."

    "That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets!"
  • edited 3:12PM
    Due to inherit a furniture factory when his sickly, widower father died, Clyde decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

    Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

    "I'm only an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "But in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit a 20 million dollar business."

    The woman went home with Clyde, and the next day she became his stepmother.
  • edited 3:12PM
    those are both worth stealing. :)
  • edited 3:12PM
    Then there was the person who sent 20 different puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
  • edited 3:12PM
    There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't
  • edited 3:12PM
    There's no place like 127.0.0.1
  • edited 3:12PM
    a woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. on the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.

    the woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "you can't tell a person bad news like that. the first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. the second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok.the third day you could have said that she died from complications."

    the next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news." "What?" [hide]"Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    LMFAO!!! thanx mick! :D
  • edited 3:12PM
    an elderly garment worker is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide. the woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "you call that a lining?"
  • Ha!
    Mick... that's best one i've heard for a while.
  • and it reminded me of this one:

    An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very
    much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the
    woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to
    sexual pleasure, they
    decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes
    his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping
    young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man
    wave a towel over
    you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
    They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
    young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it
    doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
    Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's
    try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you
    wave the towel over them."
    Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
    bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets
    to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
    room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young
    man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a
    towel!"
  • edited 3:12PM
    I knew that...
  • edited October 2009
    Several years ago, blueshead was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, blueshead was a good person and made arrangements for bueshead to learn a trade while doing his time.

    After 3 years, blueshead was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

    The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called blueshead into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, blueshead refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''
  • edited 3:12PM
    A husband and wife are watching TV when he turned to her and said...
    "Babe, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."

    She said...
    "You have the biggest cock out of all your friends."
  • edited 3:12PM
    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf and huge, enormous bears running
    all the way along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

    She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one, maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.....

    He responds warmly.

    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other'sclothes and make hot, steamy love.

    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

    The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly....

    'Well, how was it?'

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says:



    [hide]'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'[/hide]
  • edited November 2009
    Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
    One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
    'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy
    'What is it?'
    'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
    Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear,
    'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'.
    Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'
  • edited 3:12PM
    What does a drunk walrus and woman at a Tupperware party have in common?

    [hide]They're both out looking for a tight seal.[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    What does a drunk walrus and woman at a Tupperware party have in common?

    (Hidden)


    They're both out looking for a tight seal.


    I thought they both knew me? O, Well..
  • edited 3:12PM
    What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

    [hide]Roberto[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    What's it called when you lend money to a bison?


    [hide]A buffa-loan[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    How much does a pirate pay for corn?

    [hide]A bucaneer![/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

    [hide]Dam[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    Why didn't the melons get married?

    [hide]Because they cantaloupe![/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    :depressed:
  • edited 3:12PM
    teehee :)
  • edited 3:12PM
    Which King was also England's first chiropodist?
    [hide]William the Corncurer.[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    Did you hear about the mind reading dwarf who escaped from prison?
    [hide]Yes, there's a small medium at large.[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    What's blue and fluffy?
    [hide]Blue fluff.[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    Did you hear about the red ship which collided with a blue ship?
    [hide]Both crews were marooned[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    What's green and sings?
    [hide]Elvis Parsley[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
    [hide]"Do you smell carrot?"[/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    How do you annoy Lady Gaga?
    [hide]Poke her face![/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    :)

    i think we need a new thread to collect jokes to tell the littles. so they will think their parents are funny. *nod*

    one of those was new to me, but Lady Gaga is.


    .................

    This guy was working in a lab which had bred a strain of dolphins that would live forever as long as they were fed seagulls every day.

    One day the lab ran out of seagulls and the man had to run out and get some.

    As he neared the beach, he saw a group of lions sleeping in the path.

    He carefully stepped over them, dashed down to the beach and collected some seagulls, but as he was returning to the lab [Hide]he was arrested for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.[/Hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    Mummy, can I please have a cat for Christmas?
    [Hide] No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us.[/Hide]


    What's the most popular Christmas wine?
    [Hide] 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'[/Hide]


    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

    'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

    The third man started went through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

    The man replied, [Hide]'These are Carols.'[/Hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
    The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
    All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
    Teacher: "The first one to answer the questions I ask correctly can leave early today."
    Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I've got things to do..."
    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says,
    "Abraham Lincoln."
    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
    Johnny is pissed that Susie answered the question first.
    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says,
    "Martin Luther King."
    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
    Johnny is even madder than before.
    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,
    "John F. Kennedy."
    Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
    Johnny is boiling mad that he hasn't been able to answer any of the questions.
    When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says:
    "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
    The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
    Johnny says: "TIGER WOODS. I'm outta here!"
  • edited 3:12PM
    :p

    ......


    A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

    The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

    Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

    There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


    [hide]'You got Male![/hide]
  • edited 3:12PM
    A wild rabbit is captured and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility.

    One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape.

    "I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."

    "Come on," insists the wild rabbit. "We can hump all night long."

    The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each make passionate love to 50 hottie female rabbits.

    As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, "I gotta get back to the lab."

    "Why?" asks the wild rabbit. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?"

    "Yeah, I'm having a great time, but I'm totally dying for a cigarette."
  • edited 3:12PM
    The population of this country is 300 million.

    160 million are retired.

    That leaves 140 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school.

    Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

    Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

    Leaving 20 million to do the work.

    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

    Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

    Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments

    And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

    Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and me.

    And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

    Nice. Real nice.
  • Ve.Ve.
    edited 3:12PM
    hahahahahahahahah
  • edited 3:12PM
    another reason to be glad not to live in the US. ;) i wouldn't want to take advantage of flak like that.

    .................

    jazzhead attends a revival meeting and listens to the sermon. after a while, the pastor asks anyone who has needs to come forward and be prayed over.

    jazzhead gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “jazzhead, what do you want me to pray about?”

    jazzhead says, “pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

    so ....the pastor puts one finger in jazzhead’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. he removes his hands and says, “jazzhead, how’s your hearing now?”

    jazzhead says, “i don’t know pastor, it’s not until next monday."
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